We finally got some good news!! The leaky valve that they saw before is now "trivial" and they said "everything with your baby looks really good"! When is the last time I heard that?? Thank you Lord!! They were looking for enlargement of the heart or if it was overworking but it looks great, of course there is still a hole in the middle of it but that's not a huge issue to these docs. They can fix that. The doctor called it a very well balanced AV Canal defect as opposed to an unbalanced one, so that's good! So things are going as planned and I will deliver at my local hospital, with Bennett going into surgery at around 2-4 months. I have requested Dr. Spray for Bennett's surgery, being told by numerous people, that he is the best and they said they will try to honor my request as long as Dr. Spray is not traveling at the time. I feel very confident that any of these surgeons will take good care of Bennett but why not ask for the one I've heard of, right?
After the fetal echo we went to tour the Cardiac Intensive Care Unit. Not going to lie, this was hard. It took everything in my power to not burst out in tears as we walked through there. It was a very nice looking unit but glancing to my right I saw a little baby in his or her diaper, someones son or daughter, hooked up to machines. Just thinking about it makes me tear up. I saw exhausted parents camping out in their rooms, a mom holding her baby while hooked up to machines, nurses stationed in front of computers while they monitored the babies. This will be us, I thought, by the end of the summer and we've kind of been here before. Visions of the NICU flashed through my head. Although I know going through the experience we did with Ainsley being in the NICU for 5 weeks only made us stronger, it is never easy to see a baby hooked up to wires and machines, especially when the baby belongs to you and especially when you're baby has gone through surgery. That will be new to us, the surgery thing. But you never forget the beeping sounds of all the monitors and that fear when you hear one of the machine alarms going off. I know I should not dwell on this now but today made it all real. My son may have to go to the NICU when he is born, my son will have Down syndrome and one other little thing, my son is going to have open heart surgery. Okay, that was really hard to write. And while I am so thankful I know all of this ahead of time because it's not like I cry about this every day and really I haven't cried about it in quite a while, it's just when you see a tiny baby that is recovering from whatever type surgery or illness, it breaks your heart. I just want to make it all better. I just wish it didn't have to be this way.
I know Mike had a hard time walking through the cardiac unit as well. Having Ainsley in the hospital was really hard on him and I know he's trying to be so strong through all of this. And then that guilt thing comes creeping back in, I'm the one that wanted to have a third, if I hadn't pushed to have just one more, we wouldn't be in this situation, Mike wouldn't have to go through having another child of his in the hospital or to have to raise a child with special needs. I don't know when I will be able to let go of that guilt. I'm hoping it's when I see Bennett for the first time and see Mike hold him. But I think that's going to take God changing my heart and how I see things. I have no doubt that Bennett will be a blessing to our family, I just know he will but it's still not easy when you think of the potential challenges. We will get through this and I'll be fine with all of it again tomorrow. I refuse to dwell for more than a day on the negative so my only other option is to remain positive. I think today was bitter sweet, I was excited to hear some good news but then saw what we still have to overcome as far as Bennett's heart is concerned.
I started reading a book called "Calm My Anxious Heart" by Linda Dillow and I have a feeling it is really going to be helpful in my life right now. Thanks Lex! And thanks again for all of your prayers!!! Today we definitely had a prayer answered, no Bennett's heart is not healed but it is healing somewhat I believe, no matter how small!